One: "Not all who wander are lost." This is from Lord of the Rings. And I am far from lost. In fact, I am more found in my wandering than I ever was when I was trying to conform to a certain set of dogmatic beliefs that represented so little of my heart. And yet, despite being found, I still wander searching for a spiritual home.
I don't believe a whole lot in the power of tarot cards; however, I do believe in the natural intuition of people who are drawn to reading tarot. I feel that even without the cards, these people could give you insight about who you are and where you've been. A good spiritual guide in relation to tarot or palm reading does not tell you where you are going. Very few people have that gift and it is my belief that if we try to figure out where we are going, God laughs and sends us in another direction. However, there are people I believe who can offer you insight in regards to the path you have been following and whether or not this is the right path in relation to who you are at this current position in space and time.
Almost two years ago now, I met with one of these such people. This women has the purest soul I know. In fact, I worry for her often, because she has the kind of soul that if she is not careful, others could easily suck the life from her. Thankfully, she is surrounded by people who shelter her soul and lead her to nurture it. In addition, she nurtures her own soul by caring for the souls of others. She did a reading for me and with any conversation you have with someone, certain parts hold with you and others fade away. What sticks with me from the reading was the focus on water. She said that my life has been very fluid--flowing and adapting from one situation to another and that I'm good at this. I can flow into a situation and be at home there, like water, molding to fit the environment around me. But like water, I can also easily flow out of situations and never truly be solid in one place for too long. She told me that she could sense my desire to have more stability in my life--to be more of a lake instead of a river.
I think this is partially why I desire a church home--that sense of some stability. And yet, the only true way to stop the flow of water is to freeze it or dam it up. And thus, I feel that this is also why I have trouble staying with anything too long. When life or my environment becomes too stable, like the river, I desire new "scenery." I must flow.
So, it's a dichotomy between my water-like nature--the nature that draws me along a wandering path and a longing in my heart to put some roots down. She was spot on in that someday sooner rather than later, I do want to learn how to put roots down. And it will have to be something I learn, because emotionally, it's not really something I have had a whole lot of experience with. This is probably why I'm scared of commitment.
Two: And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin
I see this quote everywhere. My old "church" used it and the church I attended today had it typed in the bulletin. And strangely, while it is true for me, I can't say it really resonates for me. Yes, I did take a risk in turning away from the traditional church in order to embrace who I really am. Yes, I did lose in taking this risk, and yet, it was less painful than remaining in a lie. Still, I want a less ubiquitous quote to represent my process of spiritual awakening. Maybe, I'll have to create my own.
So, today, I found a church that still prays to God. Whether that God is a Christian God, The Great Spirit, or The Universe, it doesn't matter to this church in the same way it doesn't matter to me. This God we pray to is Love and there is more Love to be found in all religions than anything that makes us different. Still, I need to pray to a God. I've blogged about this before. I sense the Spirit in so many things that it is fundamentally impossible for me to deny the existence of God. And while this church I attended today didn't seem overwhelmingly welcoming (I may be over-reacting a bit. I was greeted at the door, but I sort of wanted a big hug and a "we're glad you're here!), I did feel perfectly at home in they way they worshiped.
In fact, it's been quite awhile since I've meditated. I've done brief sessions at the beach or lying in bed at night before I drift off to sleep, but nothing major. Also, there is something to be said for the power of a group meditation--all the energy can have a really powerful impact. At my old church, we always had a guided meditation time. This is a time when I usually tried to channel God's grace and energy down from heaven through my head and out through my heart to others. I live with the philosophy that "I'm third" in that God is first, others are second, and I'm third, so I always try to pray and offer healing love to others first. I start with people close to me and then spread out that love to the whole world in an ever enlarging circle.
This is what I tried to do today during the guided visualization and for part of it I was successful, but then a miraculous thing happened. As always, I could feel God's love and healing channeling down through me, but I couldn't channel it out of my heart to others. Instead, it cycled within me filling me with this glorious soft yellow warmth. I got to the point where many yoga students strive to get to--my mind was truly blank--nothing existed beyond this beautiful yellow wave of light in my mind's eye. But I stood on a cliff not knowing whether to jump into this bliss or try to channel the warm and loving feeling out to others who I know so desperately need God's touch in their lives. Yet, when I tried again to channel it, I just couldn't. In fact, it almost intensified the peaceful feeling inside of me. My breathing slowed and I completely relaxed into the comfort that God offered me in that moment. Even though I was relaxed, I was a bit scared too; scared that I would be in so much bliss I would actually forget to breathe. I focused on my breathing and floating so peacefully in the radiating light, fully accepting that while I wanted to offer healing to others, God knew at this time, it was me who needed the healing. I'm unsure of my malady, but I'm grateful for a Holy Spirit that can recognize our needs and surround us in such blissful healing.
It's been a long time since I've experienced this level of meditation. It's very rare for me to get to this state of empty mind meditation, as I'm so often focused on trying to send out healing energy to others. It is such a blissful state, though, that I do desire to visit this place again. I have experienced kundalini states several times, which is a much different level of meditation. I've found that I can reach these states of bliss if I cycle my spiritual energy in sort of a figure 8 pattern with another human nearby or with the Universe. These states of bliss can be a bit uncomfortable to experience in public as they often make the body twitch or even convulse. In Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert mentions coming out of the meditation cave completely disheveled and looking a mess from this sort of experience. I feel her pain. And while it such a heavenly experience, I've found that I repress it because of the embarrassing possibilities of experiencing this level of spiritual awaking around others. I've had to do that during Reiki work and also once during a guided meditation at my old "church." I think that is why today's experience was so magical. It was like having the kundalini experience but with all the energy focused between my heart and head rather than my whole body. Beyond the small fear of forgetting to breathe, I could float in that grace in an entirely peaceful and blissful state. Purely magical!
Note: I read later that yellow light during meditation is associated with the Earth and groundedness. Very interesting...very interesting, indeed.
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